How to Write Personal Vows for Your Wedding Day.
In my years as a wedding videographer, the wedding vows have always been a key component of a magical wedding film. The words exchanged during the ceremony, the promises and declarations to each other aren’t just incredible to witness, they are the backbone and the framework that is my first priority when I sit down to edit.
So, you’ve hired your wedding videographer and now you are thinking about how to write your vows. Is it causing you a little bit of stress? Fear not! You are not alone. Let’s dive into some key tips and tricks to writing vows that match your vibe and relationship. I have a simple formula and questions to sit down with and get those words flowing in no time!
WEDDING VOWS AND YOUR WEDDING VIDEO:
When I first started out as a wedding videographer, I was surprised by how many couples never knew personal vows were even an option! I captured amazing couples who used standard wording during their ceremony, and when I would sit down to edit... there was something missing.
Since then, I’ve always encouraged couples to write their own personal vows. A wedding video is that much more powerful when the words you’ve written and said out loud are used to tell your story. When you watch your wedding video in 10 years from now, you will be so happy that you decided to take the time to write your own vows.
When I sit down to edit your wedding film, I always start with the vows, the speeches and the music. Believe it or not, the footage is the last thing I will look at. This is because the words spoken create that emotional roller coaster, and tell the story that will tug at those heart strings. I know the edit is ready for the footage when I play back the audio and feel the emotion of your day.
Many officiants are happy to accommodate this special moment into the ceremony, usually they will write it into their ceremony script “And now the couple would like to share their own words to each other” before going into the legal ceremony wording.
Now that you know why the vows are so important to me as a wedding videographer, and know that they will make your wedding video that much more special, let’s dive into the tips to writing your own!
PERSONAL WEDDING VOW TIPS:
Be in the right headspace when you write your vows:
Set the scene for this. You will be reflecting on your relationship and dreaming of your future when you do this, so a little bit of effort will go a long way to make it an awesome experience.
Plan a date day together. Visit the first place you met. Go out and do one of your favourite activities together. Go on a weekend getaway just the two of you. Sit down when you are both in a good headspace and have at least 1-2 hours to have that first discussion of what you imagine your vows to be.
Oftentimes, couples will talk about what they want their vows to be like, and then will write them separately. We’ll go into more detail about how to do this later, but you are absolutely free to write your vows together! They will still be amazing.
Set the tone:
Your vows should reflect who you are as a couple. Maybe you are goofy and silly together, so use that when you are writing your vows! Maybe you like a little romance and sweetness will be more of the feel of your vows. Make them yours and talk about the sort of tone you would like to feel and what your guests will feel.
Talking about the tone of your vows will be key if you are writing them privately. It will make sure one of you isn’t joking for most of the time when the other is more serious.
Choose a length:
As a wedding videographer, I love more lengthy vows at around 3 minutes in each, and recommend this as a goal if you are getting a wedding film. Typically vows are anywhere from 1-3 minutes, but it’s important to check in with each other and see what length you are comfortable with.
Should one of you have a lot more to say than the other, it’s not anything to stress about. Lots of people are not word smiths or public speakers, and that’s ok!
Deadline:
Lots of couples want to know when they should have their vows ready. I suggest 4 weeks or 1 month from your wedding day so you have plenty of time to read them over and get familiar with them. Please don’t wake up the morning of your wedding with the hope that the words will just be there! Unless you are known for off-the-cuff speeches, or you just won a local Toast Masters competition, the nerves of the day will essentially turn your brain to mush. You will feel so much more comfortable and confident with your vows when you have them ahead of time.
Practice:
It might feel a little silly at first, but practicing your vows will make a huge difference when delivering them on your wedding day. Reading your vows is completely ok, but the more you can look up from the pages to see those eyes of the person you are spending your life with, you will feel so much more connected during that moment. Say your vows to a close friend, family member, pet or house plant. Try it in different ways and you’ll be cool as a cucumber by your wedding day.
Saying your vows to a trusted friend can also help you make sure the length and tone are similar. Your friend can let you know if the other person has more jokes or is slightly shorter than yours - and you can tweak from there. I’ve often been this person to take a look at the vows of each person to provide feedback, and it works out great! Besides your wedding videographer, your officiant, photographer or planner can be great options to ask too!
Where to put them:
Use a small thin notebook to write down your vows before the ceremony. Give those books to your best man, maid of honour or trusted person who will have them ready when the time comes. This is a great task (and an honour) to assign to any super keen guest or member of the wedding party.
Avoid using loose sheets of paper, giant binders or your iphone. There are three main reasons for this. Firstly, your photos and video will look so much better if you aren’t holding anything bulky or crinkly. Secondly you will be able to keep these books as keepsakes from your day. They are so meaningful. A great idea is to put the pages in a picture frame and hang it up somewhere in your home. I also love the idea of writing vows in books since I can capture that on the morning of the wedding and makes for a lovely moment in a wedding film! Lastly, having only an electronic copy of your vows is a recipe for disaster if you loose your phone, drop it in a puddle etc. Trust me, technology is not to be trusted on your wedding day.
Have your vows written and ready to go before your wedding day.
Personal Vow Alternatives:
Not everyone is comfortable with saying things about their relationship in front of people. Maybe you are more comfortable with keeping those details and promises outside of the wedding ceremony. You can still write letters to each other to read the morning of, or have those letters for when it’s just the two of you later in the day.
In place of writing your own vows, you and your partner can also select a reading or excerpt that you connect with, and have your officiant or trusted friend read that out loud instead. Remember that everyone can feel love, but not everyone is confident writing or reading that out loud. That’s is A-OK!
QUESTIONS TO SPUR WRITING YOUR WEDDING VOWS:
So, you and your partner are going to get yourselves in a good headspace. You can do this together or separate on your own sweet time. Take your time to go through this list of questions and write down your answers. Put an asterisk, heart or circle the answer that gets you welled up, laugh or just feels right.
Why Marriage? Why do you want to be married to this person and not just live together? What does being married mean to you? Why is it important to you to make this step?
How do you want your partner to feel when you say your vows to them? Do you want to make them laugh, feel joy, get emotional? Think about what you do to make them feel special - what is their love language?
What is something they do that you find adorable, hilarious or just so “them”. The way they hum in the shower, how tidy (or untidy) they are, how they can light up a room, fix anything, cook like a Michelin Chef, their obsession with Tiger King? Write down those things that define your person that you just love them for.
What are your common interests or quirks? My best friend has a secret handshake with her husband. It’s adorable. Maybe you met at school and are both engineers or accountants or maybe total opposites. Do you both hate pineapple on pizza? This is all gold for making a joke in the middle of your vows and make the other person laugh.
What are your inside jokes? Tread carefully to not fill your vows with a bunch of inside information no one will know about, but feel free to mention something that only the two of you will know or get. It will help put you both at ease to laugh and be connected with each other.
What was a defining moment in your relationship? You two have likely experienced peaks and valleys during your time together. What were the best moments you had together? An epic camping trip, graduating together, buying your first home? What were the tough times you got through together? So many couples get attached to this idea of "perfect" vows that paint their relationship as flawless and without strife. However, any mature adult can tell you that every relationship has its trials and tribulations, although the extent and severity can differ. I say this to contextualize my desire to include both peaks and valleys in wedding vows. No one wants to hear about that time you fought until 5 am and called each other horrible names, but it IS endearing and relatable to talk about how through X and Y experience -- even if it's an emotional, financial, or health struggle -- will make people tear up.
When did you first realize you were in love? Think back to that moment. What was it that they were doing where you just thought to yourself “yeah this is my person”. This is an awesome anecdote to tell during your vows and I can promise you are bound to get a few tears from this one.
What 5 things do you love about them the most? Make this specific and think of examples. “I love how you look after me by packing my lunch everyday”, or “I love your bravery when you had to change careers”.
What do you want to promise them? This can be big promises or small declarations. In essence this is where you can think about the things you “vow” to do in your marriage. You can use the inspiration from the answers you’ve already written down, or think of the things you want the other person to hear. I’d say balance a bit of tender and sweet with some fun options too.
THE FORMULA
Now that you’ve brainstormed and feel all warm and fuzzy for each other, it’s time to use these great ideas to put together your vows! Now, I’m no math wiz, but this sweet little formula is a solid place to start:
A for Affirmation! Make your partner feel like a million bucks. Start with their name, and then go into describing why you love them. Tell them how they make you feel, how special they are and how you feel standing there at that moment. This could be a great time to tell a story or anecdote. For example tell the story of when you first met, or when you realized you were falling in love. Shower them in love and affirmation. See your answers from the Questions above and see what you’ve put stars or asterisks beside.
Make your promises or vows to them. You can say “I promise to... “ or “I vow to…” or find your own way to declare what actions you will take to make the marriage amazing.
Look to the future. Describe what you see in the years to come. Where do you want to be together, what challenges will you overcome and what are you most excited about when you think about growing old together?
Wrap up your vows with a simple “I love you” or end with something heartfelt. Feel free to go off script if you like - your work here is done!
Now that you have some insights for writing amazing wedding vows, enjoy the process of it! This is an amazing opportunity to reflect on truly where you’ve come from and where you are headed together. Don’t be afraid to ask friends and family who are married what they said during their vows and how they wrote them. What would they have said differently, or kept? Make note of weddings you’ve been to where the vows resonate with you.
Taking the time to personalize your vows will be worth it, not just for your wedding video but for your connection with each other and your guests on your wedding day. Enjoy the process!