Covet Communication:

“We have to work to make our expectations come to reality; setting expectations is only the start. The next step is to actually go about achieving them by investing the time, patience, and space necessary with our partners. This process might not be perfect, but aside from the moment we recite them, neither are our vows.” - Esther Perel

First of all - let’s remember that the concept of a marriage without it’s trials and tribulations is simply unrealistic. All relationships have ups and downs, and ebbs and flows, whether they are romantic, platonic, familial, or professional. The important thing is how your communication unfolds when you encounter these inevitable ups and downs.

Truly listening to each other’s point of view, acknowledging each other’s emotions, and recognizing when an argument is becoming unproductive is key. Communicating our needs, desires, boundaries, and expectations is an ongoing practice that successful couples harness regularly. Emphasizing a clear channel of communication can be done in many different ways.

Learning each other’s love language is a great way to understand what makes your partner tick. Just as we all have different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses - the way we respond (or don’t respond) to the myriad of communication styles is hugely important! Some people need quality time. Some need a show of affection. Some need reassurance. Some need physical touch.

If we can value each other’s preferred methods of feedback, this can go a long way towards finding common ground. 

Prioritize play:

Clinically speaking, play is about problem solving. It’s an experimental, curious, and light-hearted process that keeps us in the present. It’s not outcome focused. Relationally speaking, it fosters connection, creativity, and aliveness.

Simply put, play is about trying something new, or at least being open to the novel. As our relationships grow, they can sometimes plateau, become stagnant, or fall into routines as we get caught up in our busy schedules. Prioritizing play can sometimes initially look like scheduling for spontaneity; but it’s an important part of stoking the fire of your partnership. Intentionally breaking routine can be a sacred ritual.

Play can be introduced through small daily acts. Here are some ways to incorporate play into your relationship:

1. If you’re planning oriented, have a day a week (or a day a month) where you “roll the dice” on a new activity. Or, take turns choosing an activity that sparks joy and encourages your partner to join.

2. Indulge one of your fantasies with each other. Or at the very least - talk about them! Passion and desire are built in the mind, so laying the foundation of anticipation is a fun way to spice up your day to day dialogue.

3. Get outside into nature whether it’s a hike, a bike ride, a lake day, an evening walk, a patio sesh, a backyard BBQ. Even better if you can involve other friends or couples.

4. Expand your dialogue. These days, there are a million ways to get inspiration online for how to provoke imagination and wonder. Prompt each other with new topics of discussion, share about books you’ve read, find a game online that encourages a wider range of inquiry. Whatever it takes to get the mental wheels turning can be a great first step towards adding to your creative wheelhouse. 

5. Staycation. For obvious reasons, changing your physical setting can be a huge instigator for play. It evens the playing field, heightens your senses, and allows for indulgences or exploration that may not happen in your day to day environment. 

At the risk of sounding contradictory, as important as partner play is...independent play is also hugely important. Quality time together is crucial, but so is quality time to yourself. Finding that balance of invested time is an ongoing dance...so you might as well keep it fun!

Seek Outside Counsel:

Whether you confide in family, other couples you admire, have an outlet for professional counselling, or seek advice from an objective confidante - it’s so important to have resources outside of your relationship. Asking for advice from others is an integral part of accepting that we shrink in isolation, and grow in community.

Between social media, fictional television narratives, and antiquated lingering stereotypes - the fallacy of a perfect union can lead to pressures, criticisms, and insecurities within our own mental worlds as well as within our partnerships. It’s so important for us to hear what REAL relationships look like when they’re failing or succeeding. Having candid conversations about what other people experience and feel can help us investigate our own feelings and experiences.

Connecting and confiding in outside sources from a place of true introspection can lead to a broader sense of healing, compassion, and understanding. Don’t be afraid to admit when you need guidance and embrace the wisdom of shared experiences.

Re-watch your wedding film, and print your wedding photos!

Naturally, tuning back into one of the best days of your life is a great way to get in touch with some of the core reasons you married your partner. Re-visit a touching recap of your special day, whether it included family you rarely see, your friends from abroad, your emotional vows, that heart-fluttering first look, the epic party, the stunning location you eloped to...regardless of the ingredients that went into your celebration of love, it’s such a beautiful opportunity to walk down memory lane.